Scenic Route

Sexual Awakening: Reclaiming Intimacy and Self-Love with Dominique D'Vita

• Jennifer Walter • Season 6 • Episode 77

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Are modern media and societal norms sabotaging our understanding of pleasure, intimacy, and sexuality? 

Join me as I chat with Dominique D'Vita, who challenges the miseducation of sexuality head-on. Dominique's holistic approach blends science and spirituality, helping us rediscover self-love and forge deeper connections.

From Tantra practices to practical tips for new parents, this episode is a journey of sexual awakening and personal empowerment.

Key Topics

  • The miseducation of sexuality in modern society
  • Tantra practices for self-love and intimacy
  • Healing from sexual shame and trauma
  • Bridging the orgasm gap in heterosexual relationships
  • Parenting and sexuality: breaking the cycle of shame
  • The connection between sexual energy and overall life force

Takeaways

  • Pleasure is medicine: Learn how to use breath, sound, and movement to heal trauma and increase vitality.
  • Self-love is the foundation: Discover why being your own best lover leads to better relationships.
  • Communication is key: Tips for discussing intimacy with your partner and creating a safe space for exploration.
  • Tantra for beginners: Simple practices to increase pleasure and connection in your daily life.
  • Shame-free parenting: How to talk about sexuality with your children in a healthy, open way.


We can only meet someone else as deeply as we've met ourselves. 
Dominique D'Vita


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Connect with Dominique D'Vita
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Next step
Ready to reclaim your intimacy and self-love? Take Dominique's free quiz at yestantra.com to identify your intimacy blocks and start your journey to sexual awakening!

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Jennifer Walter:

Ever wondered why we treat pleasure like a guilty little secret instead of life's essential spice? We've been doing it wrong, folks. I'm sitting down with Dominique Vida, who shares all about the miseducation of sexuality, and we're kind of busting myths and breaking taboos and putting pleasure back on its well-deserved pedestal. So with this episode, we invite you to get cozy with yourself and spice up that longest relationship you'll ever have, the one with your fabulous self. Hi and welcome to the Scenic Route Podcast, where we believe in embracing life's journey with purpose, curiosity and a bit of potty humor. I'm someone's Cool Mom and I'm always looking out for that perfect slice of gluten-free rhubarb pie. Every week, I get the joy of sitting down with dreamers and doers who dare to take the road less traveled in pursuit of their own magic. Together, we dive into the inspiring stories of soulful entrepreneurs and visionary leaders who boldly share their beliefs, lessons and fuck-ups. Excited, so am I. You're exactly where you're meant to be, and now let's take this conversation off the beaten track.

Jennifer Walter:

Dominique Di Vita's mission is to help you live a life fully from a place of magic, love and abundance. As a registered nurse and a certified transformational chanter coach, she is a healer Think Marvin Gaye's sexual healing labels aside, she saves and transforms lives. She believes that by blending science and spirituality, we can better understand our bodies, respect ourselves and deepen our connection with our partners. That's why she uses a holistic approach in coaching to focus on harnessing the power of your body to master self-love. Ultimately, the self-love leads us to experience the pure bliss of soulful, connected love. Basically, she is the coach who teaches you how to get off the best while getting the most out of life. Dominique, welcome to the Scenic Route podcast.

Dominique D'Vita:

Lovely to be here.

Jennifer Walter:

Dominique, when people hear the title there have, they will already go like uh, sexuality, intimacy, pleasure. And some people go like hell yeah, bring it on.

Jennifer Walter:

And others are like, yeah, no, I'd rather not talk about it. Right, which feels so odd, right? I feel our world right now is so overly sexualized and there's so much it feels like there's so much porn available all the time, every day, all day, and still or because of it, I don't't know real intimacy is scarce. So what do you think? Where did it all go wrong? Did it go wrong? What do you say?

Dominique D'Vita:

it's a great question. You know there's so many layers of this to unpack, but I'll just I'm just gonna dive in here and throw in some things about what we go fast, this is how we roll, so buckle, all right. All right, hold on, let me put my belt on. Okay, safety first. Um, so, within this, I feel like we have perverted sex, like sex is meant to be, this whole other thing, and in our modern world, and even for thousands of years too, we've perverted it and taken away the beauty, the power, the essence of what it's truly meant to be. And also, if you think about, how often have you heard in marketing or in sales that sex sells?

Dominique D'Vita:

So so much of our, yeah, so much of our things, our images, things, and we see in media, commercials, tv shows, these really quick, fast paced love scenes. And if, when you see the love scenes in movies or different shows, it's not realistic as to what it's really like, you know, it's not going to show that sometimes a person is taking slower to be aroused, or sometimes the woman is taking longer to have a climax, and you know, and so it's just like this really fast thing a lot of desire, a lot of passion. It's just staged.

Jennifer Walter:

So you know, because it's, you know, it's a scene, it's well, I mean, if you have like a 20 minute tv series, I mean you gotta cut to the chase fast. I mean for right exactly sense, exactly so.

Dominique D'Vita:

But then we get this idea in our mind, in our subconscious programming evening, of what this should look like or be. And then if we go and look at adult videos, those things are definitely acting and not realistic, not reality based, more based. But if we're trying to emulate that and copy that so that we can be good in bed because just think about it like, oh, they're celebrities, they're, you know, the adult stars. They're getting paid to do this. They must know what they're doing. If they're getting paid to do it, let me watch. And I know before Tantra once I'd heard read this thing maybe it was a cosmopolitan or somewhere that I read this thing about. Um, you know things in the bedroom and saying, oh, it would be a fun idea to be with your lover and watch an adult video and try to be recreating it in your room, as it's going like play by play and initially years ago, when we were younger, me was like that could be fun.

Dominique D'Vita:

But you just think that it depends on the video I suppose I mean depends on the video Exactly Would have to be someone. That is something that you were inspired, that it excited you, right. But it's kind of that thing of oh man, that should be really sexy and really hot to do that, right. But the reality of it is that it's truly not. We forget that these people are paid and they're actors and actresses and this is like not real life. So we've been dumbed down like this has ended up being our sex education. Yeah, unfortunately, and it's really been our miseducation and the way that we have perverted it. And then the shame with religion, with all these things in society have put so much shame on this as well. We're getting mixed signals, like media marketing. Other things are like oh, sex sells, you know, provocative, enticing, and then, on the other hand, you have this is bad, this is wrong. Good girls don't do this.

Jennifer Walter:

Yeah, you know you're not just a mixed messaging for women alone. It's driving. It's driving you insane. Right we have, we have to be like this demure maiden, pure snow white. Disney princess, thank you very much fucked us up and then kind of like this, but at the same time, oh, you got to be a slutty in the bedroom. But if you're a slutty with everyone, you're just a slut like it's it. It's very, I don't know, an invisible line that is very culturally shift, depending of what is socially acceptable and what's not.

Dominique D'Vita:

Yeah, and then you have. For a long time there's actually been men that have, and you know I love men. I coach men and women. I don't like to have like the battle of the sexes, but these are just things that we have learned from watching our parents, our grandparents and how our society has been structured right. So another thing you'll commonly see too is how men, once they have a child with someone, then they may not be as sexually attracted to them or think of them that way, because now they're looking at them as like this is the mother of my child they're going to be kissing my child like a whole vacation of the of the woman as a mother yeah, so you've got the whole thing, the madonna whore complex in a way so then,

Dominique D'Vita:

these men to go into their lust and their desires. They don't want to put that on that person, so then they'll go outside of the marriage to have those adventures. Yeah, so it's a real complex thing, but I, you know, I teach Tantra and these practices are very similar also to Taoist practices. Taoist practices are from China. The emperors would use it to tap into their power. And then Tantra these practices weren't even about sex, but they were practices to help you get into enlightenment, your self-actualization higher levels of consciousness really radiating your energy, just really tapping in and being empowered in yourself right, like exactly.

Dominique D'Vita:

Yeah, meditation is a white Tantra practice and this is from over 5,000 000 years. But they would not let the common people in these regions know about these practices because they realized how powerful they were and how empowering they were, and it's so much easier to control a population when they're disempowered. So when I say, well, why didn't my mom or my grandparents teach me these practices from 5,000 years ago? Well, they weren't learning them either.

Jennifer Walter:

Oh God, no, I mean my parents like no.

Dominique D'Vita:

Yes, I had one lover though that was really amazing and I was already teaching Tantra and doing that and I never had to guide him on anything, Not like I go in there and like nitpick my lovers when I'm with him. That kind of sounds scary, Right. But you know, I never had to give him any, any guidance or suggestions in a loving way. And he shared with me that his dad had a kind of like a tantric Taoist book when that he found when he was a teenager and he started doing the exercises and practices in there. So he already mastered this on his own and I was like, wow, that's awesome. He has been one of my best lovers I've ever had and he's never been like formally Tantra trained, but his father had this book.

Dominique D'Vita:

Now we had more of our parents that had this type of wisdom to share with us, of us really knowing how to tap into the power within us and all the access the deepest and the most like the buried treasure that's within us. But we are taught in society also to be good consumers of. You know we need this thing shiny object outside of us we need to acquire this material thing, capitalism 101.

Dominique D'Vita:

Exactly, and we're always taught, we're bombarded with media and messaging of you know that we are not enough, that we are missing this thing. If we had this and people would desire us, then we would be more successful, we would be more respected. So, and you know, get the house, the college degree, the car, the wife, the kids, all of these little things, and I say the trappings of success. But it is a trap and you're going to find this may not bring you the fulfillment, but we're always outwardly seeking, but it's constantly these other practices and with sex, when you have enlightened or conscious sex, it's about really cultivating your inner world and your outer world is just a reflection of your inner world.

Dominique D'Vita:

So when you start to change things in here and tap into your true power through pleasure, through you know, and pleasure is medicine, right and then also whenever you're able to tap into, if you think about your sacral chakra and I have a little diagram for those that are watching on the wall behind me and the orange circle towards the bottom is the sacral chakra and that's connected to the reproductive organs and it's also connected to our creativity. So this is our life force, energy, our chi, our vitality. But when we shut or repress that down because of shame or conditioning or fear, or we've had a traumatic experience so we feel disempowered around this, this, and we don't feel safe with that energy. We shut it down. We're literally shutting down our life force, energy, and that's impacting our health, it's impacting our ability to be successful. It's having a negative impact on our creativity, because this is creation energy. We were literally created from this energy. There should be no shame in such creation right 100.

Jennifer Walter:

Oh, my mind is already like spinning this. So much truth. So I'm kind of like recapping we from what, from what you said we have, like it's the miseducation of sexuality that's currently going on or what's happening, and we have so many things to shape our perception of sexuality and intimacy and pleasure, like we some are in, some are completely out of our control, like culture, or like we have the roles we take on or that have been placed upon us that shape how we interact with sexuality, or like our identity, our self-worth, how we see ourselves, our body image as well. So it's incredibly nuanced and what I don't want to happen right now for anyone listening in who is like, oh, overwhelm.

Jennifer Walter:

Where can we start on tangle this, this and and be like, oh, okay, you know what I? I would love to, um, feel more pleasure in my life. It might be sexual pleasure or other pleasure, because those are, those are definitely intertwined. How can I start and tangle this and be more intimate, um, have more intimacy in my life or be more sexual in a way that is truly an expression of who I am and the sexuality I want?

Dominique D'Vita:

well one, anyone that's listening, and if this is activating for you and it's making you feel a little stressed or anxious in your body, one connect with your body and take some nice long, slow, deep belly breaths, just stretching your belly with air like a balloon, and just drop into that. Because whenever we stretch and breathe deeply like that, it stretches and pulls on our vagus nerve and it slows down our nervous system. So just know this is a safe space to have a respectful conversation. And if you're not at this point in your life and you're not comfortable with your sexuality, that's okay. You know this is an honoring of that as well, but just an invitation to look kind of behind the curtain at maybe some of the things that we're missing, because there could be a way to be experiencing pleasure within your body in a way that is deeply healing and empowering for you.

Dominique D'Vita:

It's just that we've experienced it sometimes in ways that have been disempowering or have been disrespectful or haven't been honoring of us. And you know also the beliefs we get. We get programmed to have about shame and our bodies. As early as age 15 months old, we start being programmed with shame. Think about how pervasive shame is to, about how, even in schools, how often we were shamed to be disciplined or controlled. You know, don't make me send you to the principal's office. You want me to put you in the corner like these?

Dominique D'Vita:

quiet steps right, all those kinds of things corner, like these quiet steps, right, all those kinds of things. Yeah, right, so we're. We have so much shame. And if you want to think of, you know the emotional frequency scale, think of like an upside down triangle. At the very bottom the emotion of shame vibrates at the frequency of 20 hertz. That is even lower than hate.

Dominique D'Vita:

Love I mean hate, anger, fear now, for about 400 hertz is around. Um the frequency of you know love within your heart, chakras are like 400 hertz, joy, bliss, 500, 600 up, and then if we're getting to like really high stages, level of enlightenment, you might think someone like with christ consciousness or very tapped in individual, they're going to be maybe a frequency of 700. So imagine if your vibration in your frequency is only 20 hertz and we think about like attracts, like so law of attraction, we're going to be attracting those lower vibrational frequency experiences so we might attract partners who also feel deeply ashamed about how to express their sexuality exactly so when we first start on our own, because that's one big misconception with tantra.

Dominique D'Vita:

That delayed my journey by a year. A decade was I thought I needed a partner to begin, but you don't. It just starts with you and you are your longest lasting relationship, from your first breath to your last. And if anyone deserves to enjoy your body, it's you, this is your body. So when we become our own best lover, then we actually can be better lovers. We attract better lovers, but it's first allowing us to receive this for ourselves and really feeling.

Dominique D'Vita:

Sometimes we can feel safer with ourselves, because to really enjoy pleasure with another it's so important that we have safety that we can trust them, and so sometimes we haven't been in those ideal. You know healthier relationships or dynamics, so we might not feel as safe, but we could feel safe within ourselves and then allow ourselves to feel pleasure for a prolonged period of time, cause those prolonged states of ecstatic bliss and you're breathing deeply again. And breathing that pleasure all through your body, into each one of your cells really improves your vitality. It expands, you know, your vibration, your aura field and it's just so deeply healing for you and you can but a lot of times, even if we do self-pleasure.

Dominique D'Vita:

We know our body so well that we know how to go from point A to B really fast and that if a lover was to take that little time with us and give us a quickie, we may resent that. And our bodies are the same. It's like, why aren't you taking your time with? Yeah? So if we would stop looking for other relationships and other people to adore us, to love us, to validate us, to give us attention and time, first do it for ourselves, and then we'll attract other people to also know how to treat us that same way. So we start to raise the bar and we show other people how to treat us by the way we treat ourselves this is so true and it's so beautiful, like it really so.

Jennifer Walter:

Is this what, basically, what tantra is about? Kind of like starting raising the bar for yourself, starting with yourself, and then prolonging the moments of intensity, of pleasure.

Dominique D'Vita:

Kind of like stretching it out.

Dominique D'Vita:

Yes, and it's not initially. Like I said, initially Tantra wasn't created for this, but the byproduct of it is that people that know one how to connect with themselves so deeply, they're so in tune to their body through breath, work, mindfulness, meditation, and they know how to connect so deeply within themselves. When you know how to connect deeply within yourself, you know how to connect deeply with another, because we can only meet someone else as deeply as we've met ourselves. We can only meet someone else as deeply as we've met ourselves. We can only meet someone else's emotions as deeply as we've met with our own emotions. So it starts with us. How, yeah, yeah. And the other thing I want to say with your chakras and your energy centers.

Dominique D'Vita:

Tantra has a lot of tools to help to begin to heal from trauma, and over 95% of adults received inadequate parenting. I've been a nurse for decades, but then I became a. I got my certification as a trauma informed master coach and it was mind blowing what I learned about childhood trauma, trauma in the nervous system, and when I was going through all my trauma modules, they were saying the three things that help to heal trauma are breath, sound and movement, which that really blew my mind because, for over 5,000 years, the three tenets of Tantra are breath, sound and movement.

Jennifer Walter:

So yeah, so movement, Wow okay.

Dominique D'Vita:

Yeah. So again, pleasure is medicine. I was like, oh, this is how I began healing. So as I started doing these techniques and breathing more deeply, feeling sound in my body, moving and getting stuck in energies and emotions are just energies in motion and those painful emotions and traumas and experiences and being able to release them and let them go and kind of clear myself, then I was able to have better experiences and relax, be attracted to healthier relationships.

Jennifer Walter:

Cause a lot of times when we're dating.

Dominique D'Vita:

you know, relationships are just a mirror to us, reflecting back the relationship we have with ourselves, and often, if we haven't healed the imagine 95% of adults received inadequate parenting, to circle back to that. So then, that means the majority of the people in the dating pool have also experienced that, and have they gotten any support on this? Are they even self-aware that this is happening? Or are they just dating and just trying to push that to the side and pretend that doesn't exist? And then they're wondering why they continue to have so many dysfunctional relationships. Because that's what I did before, doctora yeah, why this?

Jennifer Walter:

why do I always attract like the same partner who is not good for me or just not healthy for me or all these? Yeah, it's really beautifully empowering that the core message is really, if you want to attract a different kind of sexuality or intimacy in your life, it kind of starts with you and how you think about yourself and how you can achieve that through like breath, sound and movement. Are there like I don't know newbie tantra exercises that anyone can do to kind of like feel into this? Um, like, breathwork is always probably the easiest for me anyway, because I started with breathwork um, what is kind of like? What are you kind of like your favorite little exercises that you can do throughout the day to kind of like center back to, to this core principle of pleasure, of starting with yourself?

Dominique D'Vita:

Yeah, definitely. Again, it all starts with you, and that's also so empowering, right? This is how we take our power back and this is how we can show up for ourselves. So meditation is a white tantra practice and it really helps us because our brain is our largest sex organ and we're in a society where we operate from the neck up right. We're just taught as children to be these robots. How many facts can you remember? What's your iq, your sat?

Jennifer Walter:

yeah, the knowledge of the brain is definitely rated more important than the knowledge of the body.

Dominique D'Vita:

Yes, and so what happens is we're really disconnected from our bodies and Tantra really helps us with these tools and using our five senses to drop and connect to our body so we actually can experience more pleasure and we know how to connect deeper instead of just doing everything from our, our mind thinking.

Dominique D'Vita:

We can actually feel, and even feel into our, what's going on within our lever and their body Once we have this attunement and this connection to our own. So meditation practice, even starting for five or 10 minutes, is really great. It also helps your neuroplasticity with learning other things that there's, other things that you're need to learn. So that's one, and then doing something. Even, let's say, if we're going to do something a little spicy, if you're going to have a self-pleasure section, then what I would want you to do is one dance for a little bit before you even start oh yes, just for yourself, put on your favorite music, because dancing incorporates all three things you, you're breathing more deeply Whenever you're dancing, you're increasing your respiratory rate, you're having the movement, you're moving your body, you're moving the energy, the stagnant energy in our bodies.

Dominique D'Vita:

I want you to think of a body of water, and if the water is stagnant and it has all that film across the top, that's just a place for disease to begin. But if a river is flowing, the water is healthier.

Dominique D'Vita:

Yes. So we want this, this energy, flowing through our bodies. We don't want to cut off or restrict because we're like, oh, oh, my sexual energy is bad and I'm not that kind of person or I don't want to make other, even for males. I want to disconnect from my sexual energy because I don't want women to perceive me as predatorial, so we're just shutting things down, right, being the Mr Nice guy and the good girl, right, it really impacts us. And so for men, this can be challenging too, because then they can shut them down so much that they're not feeling any kind of desire Anytime they're seeing a woman, that then they have challenges having erections all together.

Dominique D'Vita:

I see this a lot. Wow, it's really wild how this starts to play on our subconscious. So whenever, again, we're dancing, you have that movement, so you're moving those energies, and then if you're singing along to with it, that's really great for your throat chakra and you're using sound, and sound is like a thief it steals the tension from our bodies. So when we're having tension, we're not feeling, you know, we're like this and constrictor. We're not feeling as much pleasure and as the sensations and the juiciness of it all. So just dancing a little bit is great. And then the dancing, the movements. If you sway your hips like a circle eight, you know, just moving it like that, what will happen?

Jennifer Walter:

I have white girl dance moves, but I can do the eight.

Dominique D'Vita:

Okay, you could do the eight. I used to have white girl dance moves too. It was wild. And then one of my besties when I was young taught me to dance, and that was out of control, but it took me a long time. I'm not a natural at all, but the circle eight, actually, it increases the blood flow to your pelvic floor, and this is both for men and women. Men have a pelvic floor as well, and so with that you're increasing the blood flow there. So then that's going to help you to feel more sensation, more sensual, you know activating the energy and yes.

Dominique D'Vita:

And just romance yourself. Take yourself on a date you know, and so then doing a self-pleasure session, you know you get your energy flowing, you're playing something that is essential, something that um, music that turns you on, and then, just whenever you're are doing the pleasure, take your time with yourself. Don't rush yourself through it not to do on the checklist like yes, and so you know, when we're multitasking, we're not multi-orgasming, you know okay, this is gonna this is good, this is gonna get become one of the quotes for this episode so I know I was thinking that too, as it came through.

Dominique D'Vita:

So one of the things that came through. So one of the things here is what I want you to do is I want you to imagine and with when this is really beautiful too in tantra. The sanskrit word tantra is a lot of. There's different lineages, but the one that I study is from based in india, and the sanskrit word for vulva or vagina is yoni y Y-O-N-I, which means sacred space For males, for the penis it's called lingam, l-i-n-g-h-a-m, and that means wand of light. I think that sounds so much better.

Dominique D'Vita:

So it's like this honoring of our body parts instead of you know that they're beautiful, that they're powerful, and so I want you to imagine, from your sex organs to the top of your head, that you have a straw, because it's going to be like that channel, the channel on. If everyone can see the diagram of the chakras, if you're watching, then it's there's. That's called the Sushumna Nadi in Sanskrit, which means inner flute, but to simplify it, it we'll just say a straw, and that's where your energy centers are going to be. So I want, as you're feeling the pleasure, I want you to breathe deeply and breathe from you know your sex organ all the way to the top of your head, even if you need to put your finger on the top of your head and just kind of give yourself some tactile stimulation and touch to remind yourself to like kind of breathe, yeah, and then. And then what you're going to want to do as almost for.

Dominique D'Vita:

For males they do this a lot called edging, but I think it's really beautiful for women to do too. Imagine that zero on a pleasure scale means you're not turned on or aroused at all. Yep, 10 is orgasmic. I want you to get yourself up to about a five to a seven. If you stay at seven too long, pretty fast it can be eight, nine, 10. So whenever it starts to ramp up, kind of pause your hand for a moment and then focus on breathing the energy, the turn on more up through your body and your channel, because that will diffuse it.

Jennifer Walter:

Oh yeah, the more space you give it, the more you diffuse. It makes sense.

Dominique D'Vita:

Yeah, because you don't want to all congested in your pelvic area, right, so breathe it through. Plus that pleasure pleasures medicine. Imagine that's just energizing and charging up all the cells to your body. It's really beautiful. So just continue to do that and breathe it up. And then moan, moanan, your own name, but moaning is really great because, again, sound is like a thief. It steals attention from the body and when men hold more tension in their bodies, they orgasm more quickly. When women hold tension in our bodies, it's more challenging for us to orgasm.

Jennifer Walter:

So interesting.

Dominique D'Vita:

You could even and if you're not comfortable, moni, you could breathe the pleasure up and then exhale with the sound, with the sigh.

Dominique D'Vita:

I go just let it out and start to relax your body and then see how long can you stay between a five and seven before you climax. And if you're not someone, that's easy for you to have orgasms, no shame in that. Just focus on, instead of being performance, focus on how much pleasure can I allow myself to receive and sit with that and even after you're finished, sit there for a moment and don't just rush off to do the next thing. Just bask in the bliss of all the pleasure and all that juiciness and yumminess and allow your body to take it in, because one thing you're going to see is how we do. One thing is how we do everything. So someone that is has a challenge receiving help from other people, has a challenge and deflects compliments. They're also going to have a challenge receiving pleasure, and this also connects to how we manifest in law of attraction, because we're also going to be blocking. Just like we block pleasure and deny ourselves that, subconsciously, we're blocking and denying other good things that come our way.

Dominique D'Vita:

Yes, it's all connected and our ability to receive and our worthiness to receive pleasure and not shame ourselves and make ourselves bad or wrong.

Jennifer Walter:

Yeah, I feel I mean the ability to receive. That's something on a very unconscious level, because if you ask people, oh, what, how would you rate your ability to receive? Most people would be like either I don't know or they would be like, yeah, it's good, I can, I can receive, um. So how how can we work on our ability and our capacity to receive because I feel that's something most of us could do a little work on, me included um, how do one the pleasure.

Dominique D'Vita:

Practice itself is your ability to receive. You're allowing yourself to receive pleasure. That's one. And then just start to notice, jennifer and everyone listening. Notice how you know if someone offers you a compliment. How often do we deflect or say, oh, this old thing, I got this at a thrift store, it's nothing, or you?

Jennifer Walter:

know, just whip this up, it was yeah. Have we been playing our effort and worth?

Dominique D'Vita:

exactly like it's not a big deal, instead of just allowing ourselves to receive the compliment and say, oh, thank you, I, you, I received that, thank you, and when someone wants to help, I. It's been this era of the strong, independent women and we're getting tired of it. It's just too much. And I think women are strong and it's really great when we can be independent, but for us to always be so much in that that we're always doing everything on our own all the time is a lot, so noticing even times when people will offer you assistance and then we don't take it and we're like, oh no, I've got that or I don't need help with that, when you really could use the help. But we don't want to feel obligated or anyone, anything. And even if we.

Dominique D'Vita:

Another practice you could do is even allow yourself to use Instacart to order your groceries so that you can free up time for yourself to have fun. Allow yourself to maybe hire someone on Fiverr to help you with a little project or to work with you, or someone to do your lawn. Allow someone to come in and support you or to clean your house so that you're freed up to do something more of a creative passion or something else. Allow yourself to receive support and know that you're worth that yeah, that reminds me that just that is just coming true.

Jennifer Walter:

When one of my close friends, when she had her baby, I went over to her house, um, and I was like, oh, like, would you like me to like watch the baby while you do I don't know, whatever take a shower? She's like no, no, it's fine. Like I can, I can shower later, or something like that. And I'm like oh, I, I know you can, I know you can't shower, like that's not the question. The question is would you like help? Now, I'm not negotiating that you cannot shower yourself, but the question is would you like help? So it's really like the mindset shift of oh, I can do this, yes, you can do this, but do you have to, or would you rather not do it right now, which is equally valid, right?

Dominique D'Vita:

Yeah, I think that's a beautiful noticing and awareness and there can be a couple of things tied into it. Just, I'm just playing with possibility, right Is one? There's a ton of mom guilt and it's just like, oh, I need to be able to do everything and be super mom and handle all the things. And I've got this, I'm capable, I'm able to do things. The other part too can be, especially as a new mom can be. Especially as a new mom, we can be so isolated, especially in that first few weeks and months and when we're taking time off from work or things like that.

Jennifer Walter:

I mean, we got robbed of our community and the village it's gone, it's not here for most of us, and so when you're there, she may be like I just really need some interaction with you.

Dominique D'Vita:

You want to jump the shower with me? No, I'm kidding, but you know I need interaction with you and this time, and so I would just like to do it later. But that's such a great awareness. I love that. You asked and we're like okay, I know that you can do that, but would you like the help? How, what is?

Jennifer Walter:

your need in this moment and it's sometimes so hard for so many of us to truly acknowledge our need. It might like, oh, it might seem like frivolous to us, like, oh, I like I don't really need this. Well, I mean, if you really really fucking want it and just go get it, go do it, go be it like I love that, which is hard, yeah, so I know from my, from my listeners, sometimes I can like hear their questions without them actually like calling true. You know, like these radio talk shows, I don't know. One time I think we should, I want to do like one of those where people call in with real, like real life problems and then be like, yes, this is our answer. But sometimes I feel I kind of like get this through.

Jennifer Walter:

There are two things coming through one and they're both kind of like together what we such a sad like the mom guild and being a new mom and then having small kids, it often pay, as you've also elaborated before, the mother, the holy Madonna, the Madonna whore, chuck's position where, like we, there are a lot of us who feel estranged to our partners during, especially the postpartum period. I know that happened to me too. There were moments where I'm looking like, like who is this dude? Like what? What's going on? How can we, if we would like to have more intimacy and pleasure in our relationships? We know it starts with the self, but there is this moment where you gotta talk to your partner about what you want and what you desire. How can we start approaching this, this moment where you're like, uh, you might spread it a little, but you know it has to, like you have to have a conversation yeah, one have that conversation outside of the bedroom.

Dominique D'Vita:

It's also really great like this could be a time if you have to have a conversation. Yeah, one have the conversation outside of the bedroom. It's also really great like this could be a time if you have a baby and the weather permits right, go go for a walk together, because whenever you're walking with someone in your shoulder to shoulder, it's as if you're facing the problem together instead of looking at each other.

Dominique D'Vita:

Oh, that's so beautiful yes, because we are animal bodies and our somatic body can feel a little more defensive. If we're like facing off with someone, yeah, instead of like this, like we're facing that together instead of this way, so that that's a really great thing to do. And when we're doing the self-pleasure things, a lot of times we can think when we're married, like I shouldn't be doing that my lover is going to think Again shame so much.

Dominique D'Vita:

shame, right, or my lover's going to think they're inadequate or they're not doing enough. But to be the best lover we need to first be our own best lover. And the more we connect with what really turns us on and kind of even do pleasure mapping and there's other practices that we can do a different sensation play, and we discover this and we can share that with a lover and say you know, man, when I did this the other day, or I used this toy or tried this, it felt so amazing. I can only imagine how incredible that would feel with you, would you want?

Dominique D'Vita:

to that's such a good segue into yeah, like it would be much hotter with you. And then if you're inviting a toy in there and to the bedroom, it's so funny like men have these fantasies about threesomes. The threesome we should be having is with a toy, oh, okay, right. And then because one it's going to enhance the pleasure for the woman, because usually men, unless they they've been trained with Tantra, they don't know how to last as long and we have an orgasm gap, because men on average last five to 10 minutes, and then women, it takes us like 15 to 20 minutes to get to peak orgasm state. So we're missing each other because men are like microwave ovens really quick to turn on. Boom, I'm done.

Jennifer Walter:

Like full of best quotes, I'm done. And women are like like full of best quotes, I'm sorry.

Dominique D'Vita:

Please continue. Yeah, and then women were like an oven, like please preheat me, and it's going to take some time. This is a souffle. This is a fine meal. You know, this is not something that you just pop in and zap in a microwave.

Jennifer Walter:

It's not a bag of popcorn, Exactly.

Dominique D'Vita:

And so you know, knowing, knowing that then having the toy will actually be able to prolong the pleasure for a woman and take the pressure off a man, for as you change positions, as certain things happen, if they're not as erect, then it takes that away.

Jennifer Walter:

but use a toy that maybe doesn't look like a penis, that is, you know, maybe purple or you know many options purple, glittery, and then it looks like a rabbit, like whatever it is.

Dominique D'Vita:

Yeah, and so some you know something and then even you're going to want to be careful, you know if anyone, if you're doing any backdoor play, the toy should have a base and be made for that, because things I have been a nurse and taking care of patients that that got lost inside their body and they had to have it surgically removed.

Jennifer Walter:

Yes, oh, my God, safety first always.

Dominique D'Vita:

Yes, Safety first, always. But one of the things that you could do also is like imagine if you're giving your lover oral and you got the tip of that and you just gently put it behind their ball sack where that taint the perineum is their prostate is there and just put it there gently and allow some external vibration, yeah Like vibration sensation as you're doing something with your mouth or whatever you know.

Dominique D'Vita:

you can play with these things and make it something that enhances both of your experiences and just focus on not so much how many orgasms going on, but how long can we be in states of pleasure together and with a baby. That can be a challenge. I did have a client that he had great sex with his wife and they'd been married for several years and then they'd recently had a baby and all of a sudden he was finishing faster and, he says, was having some premature ejaculation challenges. Well, one, there's a lot of pressure on men to be the protector and the provider with the baby, so you said, more pressure, the quicker the eclation right and then the thing when I was coaching him I realized is that because they didn't want to wake the baby, they weren't using sound no moaning, just.

Dominique D'Vita:

And so then he wasn't able to moan and like let that tension off of his body so when they had a sitter, you know, when they had a sitter and then they had sex and they could moan and do all the things or like a hotel, room, yeah then he was able to have an incredible experience with her and that was problem solved, you know.

Dominique D'Vita:

So it's interesting when I just work with people and I can figure out what the common blocks are for women or for men that are blocking us in the bedroom and it can even be a subconscious block, and then how do we break through that block so then we can have such a better experience. But yeah, adding a toy in helps to, you know, get things ramped up. And also, if you're doing a self-pleasure thing I do want to circle back and you're self-pleasuring be sure that you're aroused and turned on before you insert a toy or something into your body, because one that can cue not being safe, your body's like did I just get violated? What happened? I wasn't even ready for that, but because we're so mechanical like it's my thing, here's my lube, boom, you know, we just go through the motions again.

Jennifer Walter:

We're like mindlessly, kind of like absent and just kind of like push the play button and then it just goes and then we wonder why we're not responding sexually the same and the same way is.

Dominique D'Vita:

It can be that our body is actually not feeling safe because we need to like give ourselves again, don't treat ourselves like a microwave oven.

Dominique D'Vita:

take the time with ourselves, check in, even ask to ourselves and our voice on our head, like you know are you ready for this? Is this okay? And just get that consent, that yes, and start to let your body start to feel safer. And when, also, as women, if we are with a lover and we don't want to tell them that we're not quite ready and we're not voicing up and sharing that and we just let them go in and it can be a little uncomfortable or we're not really as aroused or quite ready for that, and I think even on our media and stuff, like women need to be so tight so we're like, ok, if I'm not super wet, then it's going to feel really tight. There's a bunch of reasons why we can tolerate this, or we don't want to hurt their feelings or whatever. But your body? You're wondering why you're not having as much pleasure with that person. Well, your body is a little frustrated. It's not responding to you because you're not taking care of it and honoring it You're not listening to the cues it's giving you.

Dominique D'Vita:

Yeah, you can't rush or force these things, you know, take your time with it and be curious. And and one of my, my very best lovers that I have is that we're actually laugh a lot in the bedroom and like silly or embarrassing moments that I would have just been, like I would have been mortified with anyone else and we will just laugh and giggle about it. It's not that serious. And when you can fully be with someone and know how to make love to their soul, that's how we make soulmates. You know, in our world we're just taught how to have shallow, skin-to-skin, superficial sex yeah, ego to ego, no intimacy, just going through the moves, going through the motions. And then we're wondering, well, why don't I have a soulmate relationship?

Dominique D'Vita:

tantrum creates soulmate relationships because soul mating, mating, making love to someone's soul it's in the word yeah so if you don't know how to do that, so if you only know how to have shallow, superficial experiences where there's no depth or connection, and you wonder why your, your relationship, is lacking depth and connection.

Jennifer Walter:

It's all connected yeah, well, yeah, it's so like and you can start really small right like the the deepness of the relationship it's with everything. As you said, everything is connected, like, how deeply are you allowing yourself to be moved by a beautiful sunset or by the like if you hear the wind rushing through the leaves, anything, really, it's not all the time every day, but sometimes these moments they become so clear and there's so much beauty. That reminds me of that. The movie american beauty with the plastic bag in the wind as pop culture reference. I don't know. Yes, um, just how much beauty do you allow yourself? Like, how deeply do you allow yourself to be moved by by beauty?

Dominique D'Vita:

yeah, I remember once I was going through a two-year time period of celibacy. I actually have been had periods of celibacy on my tantra path that I never had before because I just approached sex in a different way and and not for the power that it actually holds for me, and I was meditating outside in nature in the morning and I had like a short-sleeved shirt on and I laugh with my my daughter's an adult. I laugh with her later and share with her, because she was talking about not being celibate for a couple of months. I was like, oh wait, I've, I've got one here for you. But what happened was the breeze blew across my skin and it just sent chills all through me and I was, like you know, day 458 of no sex, like I'm literally about to melt down because of the way the wind blew.

Dominique D'Vita:

I was like jays wow, but it's like how much can you connect to with all your five senses, to the world around you.

Jennifer Walter:

It's beautiful if you can connect this way. I mean there's, yeah, stunningly beautiful, okay. So I want to circle back for at last kind of like subchapter of our conversation, and it's going to circling back to like the miseducation of our sexuality and our pleasure. So many of us have been raised by parents who did not mirror sexuality and intimacy in a way that we were receptive to. So I have a five-year-old now and I know a lot of people listening have kids too. How can we be better parents? How can we mirror our relationship with sexuality and intimacy and pleasure and devotion? How can we do better than our parents?

Dominique D'Vita:

By taking away the shame that is charged into this and just knowing this is a normal bodily function, and I feel like not acting like this is something that you don't do, because this is one thing is, if we're just acting as if mom and dad never have sex, you don't need to be sexually explicit in front of them, but if you're not having affection or share kisses or hugs passion, yeah, physical touch, no public displays of affection, or they're really shut down in that way.

Dominique D'Vita:

Yeah, then you're gonna think that it's wrong too, and then you're not gonna feel comfortable having the conversation with them about it, because they're acting like everyone's, acting like no one's having sex. But yeah, I'm here, I'm your child. Obviously something went down. Yeah, and if we can't talk about these topics, how are our children gonna talk to us? I would always rather my daughters come to me with their questions instead of their friends you know, as a nurse yeah, and this is you know, a lot, before google even too.

Dominique D'Vita:

But, yes, be able to ask me and then me be able to guide them with what I know and being able to have those conversations and knowing this is just stages of life. We can't keep our children like little forever. But give them the, empower them with the right information, yeah, so they can make the best decisions for themselves, but also having that intimacy and not acting so prude or so shut down, you know, like, let's say, something sensual, not explicit, but some love, love making scenes. And then someone controls the TV and like we're not watching that in this house, like we just, if you just make it so wrong or taboo, like how are your kids going to even approach that conversation with you? Yeah, and another thing too anyone that has children, both mother and father, should watch.

Dominique D'Vita:

It's on netflix now. It's a documentary called fair play, and they actually have a card deck as well that mom, mothers and fathers can use to see how the things, the labor of the house, is really being divided up. Because that's one thing that I will share with my male clients too, because if you're wanting to have more passion and there's new babies and little ones, of course. A lot of the attention, the energy goes to little ones. So what can you do to support or to take off some of the things that the woman is doing as the CEO of the household, so that she actually has the bandwidth? Because as a woman if we're always as a woman we're always self-sacrificing and we're putting ourselves, our needs, on the back burner and we're putting what else in front of us and we're exhausted and we can. Our friends can tell we barely have time to take a shower Right. So if we're going there, do you think we're going to prioritize when our husband wants to have sex, when we're not even prioritizing ourselves?

Jennifer Walter:

I could tell you from my experience, we do not. Yes.

Dominique D'Vita:

So it's like if she does not even have the time and she's neglecting her own needs, she's going to neglect her needs. So how can you encourage her to stop neglecting her needs? How can you support with something that she might want to do? How can you get someone to help you watch the kids or something so she can go and have lunch with her friends or get out for just a moment to be something other than just in mom mode all the time, so she can connect to other aspects of herself? And you know, can you have someone help with cleaning of the house?

Dominique D'Vita:

Instacart deliver groceries. What can you do to take some things off of her plate? Because again, as a woman, we're going to be like, oh, I'm capable, I can do that, or I, you know I need to be, which goes back to the conversation we had before just because you're capable doesn't mean you have to fucking do it, exactly so if you want more passion in the bedroom, let her recharge her batteries so she can even connect to what her needs and desires are and and not feel so overwhelmed or kind of burned out in all the demands of raising really young children.

Jennifer Walter:

Oh, this is so good. Oh, I'm curious, what? What do you think we're? We said right to kind of like see that there we do not build up shame around sexuality and intimacy. Um, and this starts way earlier than probably most people are comfortable with. I mean, our formative years are like three to seven. So while we haven't yet had like a talk about sexuality in a broader sense, I mean, my kid knows the baby grew in my belly but he doesn't explicitly know how it got there, which is fine, for now he's five. But at the same time we make sure, like we really put a lot of attention to the words he uses. So we really like no, this is called penis and this is called a vulva. This is part, like part, of my genitals, like this is like we have, like it's a clitoris.

Jennifer Walter:

We have to love you, like just we're not calling it weird, kind of like woo, woo I think that's important names like just be really clear, to kind of like don't even like, let, I mean they will have some shame around it anyway. This is like you cannot control culture and society at large, but the words we use when we talk about these things. It starts very when the kids are very, very young.

Dominique D'Vita:

Yeah and if you happen to catch some self-pleasuring or something like that happening, not to make that wrong or to make them feel bad about it, I know. I would joke with my daughter's friends and I would just say I think I was in the car with my daughter and her friends. They were teenagers and I was. I think it was something like did you know that over um, over 50% of people don't masturbate, and then I can't masturbate, and then the other 50% they're just liars. You know what I'm saying? Like people are lying.

Jennifer Walter:

Like this doesn't happen.

Dominique D'Vita:

I can't remember exact wording, but basically the premise was is like this is a normal function that everyone does, and if they're saying they don't do it, it's just they're lying. You know, yeah, and you know. And just for me, humor and just making something into a lighter situation instead of taking the charge of it being wrong or dirty or bad, um, was one way that I navigated it, and my mother was very hypersexual and I ended up losing my virginity later than my friends, and not to say losing like we didn't really lose anything. You know old, dumb terms, but I wasn't sexually active until much later than my friends and part of that was the fact that I wasn't rebelling against anything. My mother was like oh my gosh, you know you're going to love sex.

Jennifer Walter:

I love sex, your dad loves sex, your grandparents love sex, whenever you want to have sex you let me know this is a sentence that would not have crossed like came out of my mom's mouth, yeah.

Dominique D'Vita:

Let me know when you want to be on the pill and I'll put you on the pill. Because appeal? Because, like I was so afraid, I was like, oh my gosh, I'm gonna be wild like my mom and be like the school slut. Because, again, shame um, and there were so many times that I really wish that my mother was more the Susie homemaker, not such the wild child. You know, it's like man, I can't even take you to a PTA meeting. You're just, you're just too much, you're too over the top with everything. And she's since passed because she had me much later in her life and once, when I was in LA, I would go to these. I would actually get to go several times. I went to the Playboy mansion, to the parties there, and I was a recurring guest on Playboy radio and I would take questions from callers.

Jennifer Walter:

Yeah, yeah.

Dominique D'Vita:

And this was before Tantra, and I already thought I knew everything I needed to know about sex. And then, with Tantra, I realized I had only scratched the surface of what was possible. So this was really wild. But when I was there and I had this moment and I thought about my mom, cause I was like, oh my gosh, my mom would be so thrilled that I was at the Playboy Mansion, and her dad would too, like my granddad used to get the subscriptions to Playboy magazine when I was a kid, and so I was just like, oh, they would be so excited. And then it hit me. I was like you know what this is, why she was your mom?

Dominique D'Vita:

Because I'm so comfortable talking about sex, because my mother would joke about it. She's kind of like Mae West, she would joke about it. She was kind of like May West, she would talk about it. And she was just like, like you know, this is something we all do, you know. Get over it. Um, and that's helped me to be with my gift. Now I can talk about it and take away the awkwardness, and that's one of the things my clients really like about working with me is because we can talk about it, have conversations and I'm able to go there in places in ways where they actually feel safe to have the conversation or get their questions answered, because we don't have enough safe spaces like that in our world 100%.

Jennifer Walter:

Yeah, and I love that you bring humor into it, because this is also like a tool I love very much in my toolbox just to bring humor in and it's really helpful for the most difficult of conversations. Um, and I would always have this running shop with my clients where I don't know, we could talk about like the death of that, like the identity of the self, and we would be laughing and be like in stitches about it and it's like if anyone else would see us, it would be like what are you like?

Jennifer Walter:

it's just so important to take not take everything so fucking seriously exactly, exactly, yeah oh so, dominique, if people are like, okay, I want to hear more about tantra, I want to hear more about Tantra, I want to hear more about Dominique, I want to like get Dominique to figure out why we're stuck in a no sex zone. Where can people find you?

Dominique D'Vita:

You can find me on my website yes, tantracom T-A-N-T-R-A, and I actually have a free quiz there to see if you're ready for Tantra. It also help you identify if you're having intimacy blocks or what might be blocking you in the bedroom. And how we show up in the bedroom is how we show up in the boardroom, how we show up in the zoom room, how we show up in the world. So it's really interesting. So I have that free quiz available and then I share videos and things on my YouTube, which is just Tondra. So those are the spaces, and then I coach people, one-to-one coaching.

Dominique D'Vita:

I have some courses. I have one that's healing from sexual shame and it's a masterclass replay that people can get. All of those things are on my website and I'm about to launch a mastermind soon on like vitality, life force, energy. You know how we give our power away in all these areas, not just sex, but for our health, because I've been a nurse for over 30 years as well and I've seen how much these trapped emotions and shame and things like that diminish our life force, energy, and that's where disease, dis-ease, has an opportunity to come into our bodies.

Jennifer Walter:

So just helping people live a more vibrant, passionate life okay, we're gonna link everything in the show notes, so don't don't fret if you haven't like wrote it down now. And I always have one last question before I let anyone off the hook what book are you currently reading or what audiobook you're listening to?

Dominique D'Vita:

oh my gosh, I have a few of them yeah, I see.

Jennifer Walter:

I mean, your backdrop is full of books which I love, like, yes.

Dominique D'Vita:

I'm like a hoarder of books. I have books here on my kindle, on my audible how many reading?

Jennifer Walter:

how many books are you reading at simultaneously at the same time?

Dominique D'Vita:

there's two that I have ongoing now and there's one that hold on. Let me just take a peek because I want to make sure I really love this one. I'm just like I need to recommend this one to my clients, so I do want to be sure that I share it correctly. Is oh, be your future self now by dr benjamin hardy. Such a good book. I I have just whizzed through that. I have like 30 minutes left. I've had I have 30 minutes left on it for a few weeks or so, I think. I'm afraid to look through it.

Dominique D'Vita:

And then, um, then there's another book by Dan Martell, like on marketing and business and things like that. Um, that I listened to. So I mix it up the things. But yeah, the beer you know being bringing in, even like quantum leaping and things like bringing in and so saying like this is going to be what future me is going to be this and we're creating this distance and again, the gap. How do we close that gap? And just be like, okay, what would my, how would my future self handle this?

Jennifer Walter:

yeah, because there's actually no gap exactly okay, but this is like I know we could go on a whole other thing. I know we probably have lost some, some of you there listening. You're like, wait, what, what? What did you like? How can you like be on the outskirts of the podcast and drop something like this? I'm like, please accept my apologies, another episode on, I don't know, the mirage of time, because it's all one and the same. But yeah, but no, yeah, we're gonna need another hour.

Jennifer Walter:

Um, we'll schedule that we'll have a return yes, oh my god, yes, please, but for now, dominique, thank you so much for creating this safe space with me on a Cineground podcast to talk about sexuality and intimacy and devotion and pleasure, and let's hope for many more conversations, and I hope we spark some?

Dominique D'Vita:

Yes, I hope so too, and thanks so much for inviting me to be here and thanks everyone for listening. It's just an honor to share with everyone. And just know, I think what taunting with these other things. It's like us being able to shine our light. It reminds me of that little song. I was like this little light of mine. I think what Tantrum with these other things. It's like us being able to shine our light. It reminds me of that little song. I was like this little light of mine. I'm going to let it shine and just really lighting yourself up, yeah, and then we can just be that lighthouse and that shining light to help other people find their way home. I think it's so important. So thanks everybody.

Jennifer Walter:

It is and the light is always and already in you. There's nothing external that can, nothing to buy to get it. You're safe, you're good.

Dominique D'Vita:

Exactly.

Jennifer Walter:

Exactly, dominique. Thank you so much. And just like that, we've reached the end of another journey together on the CineGroot podcast. Thank you for spending time with us, curious for more stories or in search of the resources mentioned in today's episode, visit us at cinegrootpodcastcom for everything you need and if you're ready to embrace your CineGroot, I've got something special for you. Step off the beaten path with my CineGroot Affirmation Card Deck. It's crafted for those moments when you're seeking courage, yearning to trust your inner voice and eager to carve out a path authentically, unmistakably yours. Pick your Scenic Route Affirmation today and let it support you. Excited about where your journey might lead? I certainly am. Remember, the Scenic Route is not just about the destination, but the experiences, learnings and joy we discover along the way. Thank you for being here and I look forward to seeing you on the scenic route again.

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Jennifer Walter | Sociologist

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